What To Do When Your Best Friend Is A Mouse?
by Spunkz the wacked out Spaz
Summary: Hello. I am 11 and off to Hogwarts. I didn't know my name 'till I was 11. I also don't know my dad. This is my diary. It's funny! If you lot are wondering about the mouse, it comes later.
1. Me, My Mum Who Could Be Outsmarted By A ...

Disclaimer: I OWN MYSELF AND ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME BUT NOTHING ELSE! HA TO MY CAT, WHO DOESN'T EVEN OWN HIMSELF!  
  
Note:- This may start to seem like a diary. I PROMISE I'M NOT COPYING YOU, CHARLOTTE, WITH STALKING A SLYTHERIN SEX GOD IT'S JUST EASIER TO WRITE DIARY LIKE!  
  
  
  
My House. 14th August. My B'day  
  
11.50am  
  
Hello - ho! I am a very unusual girl in as many ways as Ice Cream differs to computer pixels. For one, I don't know my name. Don't laugh or I'll have to kick your arse. For another, I was living in a Muggle street-cred before Mum actually bothered to tell me I was magical. You know, skater stuff. For a third, I don't know who my dad is. In fact, it is the fourteenth of August, my 11th birthday and the day I find out my name.  
  
"Darling, could you come here for a moment please?" My mum, Rene Katz asked from the next room.  
  
"Why don't you call me by my proper name instead of Darling?" I sneered. "Oh - it's because I DON'T HAVE A BLOODY PROPER NAME!"  
  
"Don't go on dear, just come in here! Wow! That rhymed! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!"  
  
Honestly. I don't know what's wrong with her. And she's supposed to be a Slytherin! If she doesn't send me to Hogwarts then I will petition to be disowned. Ha ha ha. Well, I have black eyes and long-ish (shoulder-length) black hair. I had it cropped back a while ago but too many people made fun of me. I had to kick their arses in advance. I've been told I'm pale, but not as pale as the people who say so when they learn I'm gonna kick their arses. Sorry. Arse-kicking is a hobby of mine.  
  
"Hon, I think it's time I gave you a name." Mum said.  
  
"Dead right." I muttered.  
  
Mum sat back to think of a name.  
  
"Uh-oh..."  
  
  
  
11.55am  
  
Never, I repeat, NEVER let your Mum join the Anti-Prejudice Against Werewolves Act. She's given me a horrendous name.  
  
My name is Lunar-Justice Katz. Ha ha ha I think not. I'll just call myself Justice and pretend Lunar is a middle name or sommat. Why can't I live with normal people? Anyway, I have been sent up to pack before going to Diagon Alley. I'm running late and tempers are running high.  
  
"ARE YOU READY YET, JUSS?" Mum yelled from downstairs.  
  
"MAYBE IF I SUDDENLY DEVELOPED LIGHT-SPEED WITHOUT KNOWING IT!!!" I yelled back. Honestly. She can be so... infuriatingly persistent sometimes.  
  
  
  
12.00pm  
  
Never travel by Floo Powder if you value your hair. I mean it! My nice, jet- black hair has gone an interesting shade of grey because of all the bloody ashes in this fireplace. Well, anyhow, I'm in Diagon Alley. Gringotts to be precise.  
  
"Urgh." I groaned. "I feel sick. Can we stop the ride?" We were on one of those stupid Gringotts cart thingers. Don't ever let goblins drive; I don't think they know what 'Slow Down!!!' means, damn them!  
  
  
  
12.02pm  
  
Outside my vault. Looking inside my vault. Lots of gold stuff. Literally dived in and swam in it before Mum pointed out that money is for spending and if she liked she'd buy me a swimming pool.  
  
"Shut up, Justice, just get your money!" She snapped when I pointed out that I was only gloating to the goblin how rich I was. Really!!! Anyone would think I'd been doing something wrong!  
  
  
  
12.15pm  
  
I was just standing outside Ollivander's, wondering whether it was worth going in or not, when a freaky red-headed mob came running at me saying 'KILL IT! KILL IT!'  
  
They may have been talking about the blonde man who (as my mum said) looked very much like Lucius Malfoy from her day at school, but I decided not to take any chances and went in anyway.  
  
"Ah!" Said a freaky old man who looked a lot like Duncan from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Yes, I know he's dead. "A Katz, if I am right. Son of the famous Katz twins, laddie?" He asked.  
  
Well, that really is going a bit too far. I know my hair's still a bit on the short side, El Freaky-o, but that's no need to be a sexist prat-head!  
  
"I'm a girl." I snarled. He blushed slightly.  
  
"Sorry. So are you daughter of the famous Katz twins?" He asked, resuming his ghoulish freaky attitude.  
  
"Why are my Mum and Aunt famous?" I asked curiously.  
  
"Don't you know?" He frowned. "Well. I don't really think I'm the one to tell you. Ask your mother to tell you. Shall we try you for a wand?"  
  
Before I could pester him further about my mum, he sauntered off into the back of the shop. He's only slightly strange! (Hint hint!)  
  
  
  
12.30pm  
  
I can't believe it took 15minutes for Mr. Poofter to get me a wand that worked. Mind you, it was pretty funny when I set his head on fire by accident. In the end, my wand preference is a rather shabby old dogwood and basilisk scale wand.  
  
"Juss! Juss! Merry Christmas!" cried my mum, holding up a cage. I ask you! Three days and she'll be singing Jingle Bells! I think it's because I don't have to be sent to Muggle school anymore, although she'll probably send me to summer school. As well as making me do the homework. I wish I had a dad to kick her arse for me.  
  
"Mum. It's the middle of August. It's also my birthday. Can't you say happy birthday?" I pleaded. "Or, even better, can you disown me?"  
  
She disagreed and gave me the cage. I have to admit, what was inside did take my breath away. It was a jet black snake slithering around looking, uh, snake-like.  
  
"I thought it went well with your hair, dear." My mum said. I was about to point out that it was a real snake and not a feather boa but I decided to ask why she had bought me a potentially dangerous snake.  
  
"Mum, why have you given me a King Cobra?" Mum just looked at me blankly. I opened my mouth to explain. Bad choice. A big, black feathery thing flew in and I choked on it.  
  
It turned out to be a big, black feathery Moon Owl from the forests of Wherever. And it bore notes! I ripped open the envelope to see what the oh- so-important-note-that-nearly-choked-me said.  
  
'Dear Justice (Your Mum told me your name)  
  
Happy birthday from the only sane member of your family! Well, your Aunt Justine (Aren't your names similar?) is sort of sane at the moment' I found it rather hard to believe that bit 'and we decided to send you a birthday present which may prove a great help for your next seven years at Hogwarts. His name's Shadow. Honestly, I didn't name him! I swear! I swear on the next full moon! Oh, by the way, your aunt's pregnant. Hopefully to be born in December.  
  
Lots of love, Your Uncle Remus.'  
  
I stared at the letter. How dare she be pregnant? How dare she? RAPE! RAPE! HE RAPED HER! I knew werewolves were evil, even if he is a bit nice and friendly.  
  
"Well, what does it say, dear?" asked my mum stupidly. How else could she ask? If she had a brain she'd be dangerous.  
  
"Remy's raped Justine." I growled.  
  
"That's Uncle Remus to you, and I'm sure he hasn't. You know, it was him who suggested your name -"  
  
I made a mental note to kill him.  
  
"- but I added Lunar on the front to make it sound appropriate."  
  
I made a mental note to kill her too.  
  
Mum read the letter.  
  
"Who's Shadow?" She asked. My eyes fell upon the black owl, who was waiting patiently. Why hadn't I noticed that it had crapped on my shoulder? Oh well.  
  
"So, you're Shadow, huh?" I asked it. It hooted and blinked owlishly. Boy, I'm starting to sound like Mum. That's not good.  
  
  
  
2.00pm  
  
I decided to call my snake Wraith. My Mum decided to call it Whiplash. So now my potentially dangerous King Cobra is called Wraith Whiplash. It looks potentially dangerous. DON'T KILL ME! TAKE HER! SHE DID IT! I hate potentially dangerous snakes which my mum decided to call after the first word she came to in the dictionary  
  
"Isn't it nice that your Aunt Justine is pregnant?" the afore-mentioned dictionary-addict yelled from downstairs. I decided not to dignify that with an answer. I clutched my nice new black wand. Why is everything I own black? Call me a goth and die, peoples.  
  
Shadow was sitting on my bed, blinking. I decided to write a note to send to Uncle Remus.  
  
  
  
2.16pm  
  
Three scrapped letters and forty torn pieces of paper later, I have written the letter. I read it over to myself.  
  
"Dear Remy,  
  
Ta much for the owl thing. It doesn't do much except blink owlishly and crap on my stuff. It's very nice to know that 'Tine's pregnant. December... interesting. Why did you rape her in the first place? Sorry, I didn't mean that. Girl or boy? Anyhow, no interesting birthday presents apart from Mum's odd early Chrimbo prezzie. Can you send me money next year? Justice."  
  
I tied the note to Shadow's leg and he flew off out of the window. At classic poo timing, Mum called up.  
  
"Juss, can I borrow that owl of yours for a while?" She asked. I hesitated.  
  
"No. He's off delivering a letter Why do you want him?" I asked, like a true blonde.  
  
"Because I want to go to bed with him!" Said Mother Darling sarcastically. She is improving! "I want to send a letter, you nit!"  
  
"I already have a petition to be disowned!" I yelled down. There was a slam and I saw her skulking Slytherinly off down the street, scaring passers by and fuming to high heaven. At least she's getting over her soppy Nithead Bug. Ack! I hop it's not contagious! Ack!  
  
  
  
5.45pm  
  
Mum decided to come back. She walked in, holding her wand (Pinewood and Phoenix Feather. How sweet.) and blasting pretty ornaments. I decided to ask her a question, hoping to catch her off guard.  
  
"Mum, what's my dad's name?"  
  
"I've told you before, Juss, and I'll tell you again: your father's name is immaterial. He was killed by Lord Voldemort years ago."  
  
That's another thing I like about my Mum. She can say Voldemort without flinching. When she told me I was a witch, she also told me about Harry Potty Thingy and Lord Whatsisface. She said to always call him He-Who-Must- Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who. Well, what if people are too stupid to know who, like my mum?  
  
"Well, at least tell me what his wand was made of?" I pestered her. If she told me this, I could ask El-Ollivandero (alias the blind and scary one) who had a wand like that when I next saw him.  
  
"Redwood and Wyvern Scale. Actually, the wand itself was black because it was a black wyvern, but the wood was definitely redwood!" She laughed at her own joke. I went upstairs, disgusted.  
  
  
  
7.00pm.  
  
I just remembered to write down my dad's wand ingredients before I forgot them. Should I ask Uncle Remzy? Yeah... as soon as Shadow gets back.  
  
  
  
7.24pm  
  
Ah! Attack of the Mutant Hairballs and... oh no, that's Shadow. And he has Remzy's reply! Hang on:  
  
"Dear Juss,  
  
Ha ha ha. Nice joke about the rape. (I trust it was a joke?) We don't know if it's a girl or a boy, but we'll find out in December. Why is your mother giving you Christmas presents? It's the middle of August. Does she know that? Shadow is house-trained, but he usually just craps wherever he feels like. Don't worry, he thinks you're special. Much love, Remus."  
  
  
  
8.33pm  
  
I am crap at writing letters. Here is the one I'm to send to Rip Van Remus.  
  
"Dear Rip Van Remus,  
  
Thanks for your last letter. You know, I'm not sure if mum actually knows that it's summer. I'll have to ask. By the way, do you know who my dad is? Mum said that the Dark Lord killed him before I was born, but I don't believe a word. She was always a bad liar. His wand is out of Redwood and Wyvern Scale. If you can, thanks much. Love, Justice."  
  
I managed to attach it to Shadow's leg without the fluffball biting me so that was quite good. If you're wondering why the letters don't take long to send, it's because:  
  
Shadow is a Moon Owl and travels at the speed of light, as I found out when he tried to suffocate me, and Uncle Remus lives about ten miles away.  
  
  
  
9.20pm  
  
Must...sleep...  
  
  
  
12.00am  
  
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... 


	2. The Day I Learn What Normal Means

September 1st.  
  
2.00am  
  
Yaah! What the f-? Oh. It's that bloody owl of mine. About time! Let's read what it has to say.  
  
'Dear Justine,  
  
Hm. This sounds serious. I don't have time to visit you before your academic year starts, but how about a trip to my place during the Christmas holidays? Actually, it'll probably be better to wait for next summer. I won't have as much work then and the baby's due in December so that might be a bit awkward! Concerned, Rip Van Remus (ha ha ha)'  
  
Bastard! How dare he make me wait a year? Oh well. I suppose I'll live. What day is it today? Ah, yes. The day I go to Hogwarts. Subtitled 'the day I get away from my mum's two year old mentality.'  
  
  
  
2.04am  
  
Zzzzzzzzzzzz..  
  
  
  
9.00am  
  
"Justice! Justice! Wake up! Are you packed? We have two hours!" The dream I was having about being watery jell-o turned out to be mum shaking me.  
  
"Yes, of course I'm packed!" I yelled, grabbing my wand and waving it. Everything apart from Shadow and Wraith got packed into my trunk. "Anymore stupid questions?"  
  
  
  
10.55am  
  
Used Floo Powder (alias the scourge of haircare) to travel to King's Cross Station. JI was wondering whether the suspiciously solid looking wall was indeed solid. Mum had already gone. Bless us, Tiny Tim! One and all, I say!  
  
The redhead family I saw in Diagon Alley were standing there, along with a small, scruffy - haired yobbo. I watched as they all went running at the barrier before disappearing through it.  
  
"It's your turn, Fred." Said the woman who seemed to be in charge.  
  
"He's not Fred, I am!" Said a twin.  
  
"Honestly woman. You call yourself our mother." Said the other.  
  
"Sorry, George. Of you go."  
  
The boy stepped forward.  
  
"Only joking." He said. "I am Fred." His mum looked daggers at him, but he was already running towards the barrier. The other twin followed about five milliseconds later. These were people I could identify with!  
  
I decided that I'd waited enough and ran at the barrier, scrunching my eyes shut. Damn! Damn! Damndamndamn! Why couldn't the barrier be a cloud instead of a wall?  
  
  
  
10.57am  
  
Through! I'm through! And alive! Wow, never thought I'd see the day! Followed closely by redhead number four, and the scruffy boy.  
  
  
  
11.15am  
  
How great is this? Sitting alone in a carriage at the end of a train bound somewhere far, far away from my Mum and Werewolf Uncle! And then, with all the luck that is mine, Wraith slithered off down the train.  
  
"Wraith, get your tail back here! I'm going to start worshipping Murphy's Law!" I yelled, running after the slippery bugger.  
  
I ran like the wind, Bullseye! Until I ran into the wall. No, not the wall...  
  
"Ouch!" said the brunette I had just ran into.  
  
"Ouch." I said, actually managing to get up without too much hassle. She held up what looked like a black piece of string.  
  
"Is this your snake?" She asked. I nodded, "Good. Is there any spare space in your compartment?" I nodded again. Great. I'm starting to look like one of those nodding dogs you get to stick in car windows.  
  
"My name's Helena Lapworth." She said, walking with me to the end of the train.  
  
"Justice Katz"  
  
  
  
1.00pm  
  
Helena's great! She really is! She knows what it's like not to be normal! Her nickname is Giant Suicidal Mouse, for inobvious reasons.  
  
"Anything off the trolley, dears?" Plumpy El Plumpo the trolley witch asked.  
  
"Uh... do you want to see my impression of a lockjaw germ?" I asked stupidly. Damn! Why does nothing I say make sense? Helenarse (ha ha ha I'll remember that one) saved my skin.  
  
"Yeah. Chocolate frogs and that gum stuff."  
  
  
  
3.17pm  
  
Drooble's Best Blowing gum is nice! Chocolate Frogs are too. Cool cards. I have Dumbledore, Mortianna and the Sheriff of Nottingham for some reason. You know, the person who threatens innocent (my arse) Robin of Locksley with a spoon in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I didn't know he was a wizard? Maybe I'm imagining things.  
  
MAYBE THIS IS ALL A DREAM!! MAYBE I HAVEN'T LEFT MUM OR RIP VAN THING!! ARRRGHH!!! I think I'm a bit feverish.  
  
  
  
5.00pm  
  
Bored...  
  
Surely we must be nearly there?  
  
  
  
5.03pm  
  
A bushy - haired first - year came flouncing in to our compartment.  
  
"Have you seen a toad?" She asked haughtily. "A boy called Neville's lost one."  
  
I looked suspiciously at Wraith. Who knows what he's been eating.  
  
"By the way. I'd change into your robes. I think we're nearly there."  
  
My oh my. How time flies when you're having fun.  
  
  
  
7.00pm  
  
Nearly there, he said. Should about five minutes, she said. Never trust other people. Nearly there! I'm still laughing!  
  
Well, anyhow, Helena and I got out of Hell - Hole train to see what looked like a Genetical Mistake holding a lantern.  
  
"Firs' years! Firs' years!" The GM called, leading us towards little boat thingers. Helenarse and I got into one and, to my obvious disgust, were joined by Baby Bushkins (the bushy-haired girl who asked us about Neville the toad, or something like that) and a dorky looking boy.  
  
  
  
7.30pm  
  
Wonderful ride! And no one fell in! Added bonus! Am now waiting outside a big room with all the other first years and a severe looking woman dressed in emerald.  
  
"The sorting will tell you whether you are in Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. It will begin momentarily."  
  
I felt like yelling 'I know that, dammit, just let me in that bloody room so I can die in peace!' but I didn't.  
  
Prim and Proper came back. (I learned later she's called Professor McGonagall)  
  
"We are ready for you now. Soon you will be in your houses."  
  
Helena gave me the 'buck-toothed beaver' expression. You know, front teeth over lip. I nearly choked to death trying not to laugh.  
  
Happy days.  
  
  
  
7.35pm  
  
Am walking down an isle being watched by the world and his dog. Well, nearly the world. But definitely his dog. Well, everyone else in the school was watching us walking. We made it up to the front and McG held up a slip of paper.  
  
"When I call your name, you will come up. I will place the sorting hat on your head and you will be sorted."  
  
No, duh! She could win an Olympic Gold for Logic, this one, she really could. Why call it the sorting hat if it doesn't sort? I mean, why not call it a running hat because it makes us run away screaming! (that's quite a good joke, actually)  
  
"Katz, Justice!" McG called. Damn. Why do I have to be first? Helena gave me the 'good luck see you in Slytherin' glance.  
  
I walked up to where McG was waiting with what was presumably a hat but looked more like a beaten up excuse for a duvet.  
  
"Hmmmm..." said a vaguely irritating voice in my ear.  
  
  
  
7.40pm  
  
Same bat time. Same bat place. Same bat hat on my head trying to figure out what house I go in. It's narrowed down to Slytherin (good thing) and Gryffindor (er?).  
  
"Are you sure you're magic?" McG asked me.  
  
"WHAT???" I yelled. I pointed my wand at a black - haired, sour - faced, bored looking teacher at the High Table and said the first two random words that came into my head.  
  
"Wingardium LEVIOSA!!!" I yelled, not really expecting anything to happen. I waved my wand round wildly, swishing and flicking. Suddenly, the sour - faced teacher rose into the air with a shocked look on his face.  
  
I collapsed in hysterical laughter, ending the spell. My laughing fit was made even worse when I heard the 'thud' and the 'ow' that showed I'd dropped the man on the floor some ten feet away from where he'd started.  
  
You know those times where you really should stop laughing but you just can't? That was one of those times.  
  
  
  
7.42pm  
  
That stupid hat saw my Slytherin alter - ego, decided I had schizophrenia and put me in Gryffindor anyway. And Helena got sorted into Slytherin, dammit! On a lighter note, I am getting death glares from that black - haired teacher. It's damn hilarious. Am currently sitting next to that scary redhead tribe (the Weasleys), Scruffy McScruffo (who turned out to be Harry Potter) and Baby Bushkins (Hermione Garnger).  
  
"Hey, Percy?" I asked the oldest Weasley. "Can you tell me who the teachers are from left to right?"  
  
"At the end there?" Percy said, starting with the Genetic Mistake I saw earlier. "That's Hagrid, the gamekeeper. Next to him is Madam Hooch. The small person's Professor Flitwick, Prof Sprout, Prof McGonagall, Prof Dumbledore."  
  
"What about the black - haired man?" I asked, pointing at him. He was talking to a cute little twitchy person wearing a turban.  
  
"That's Professor Snape." He said. "He's the Potions Master and the Head of Slytherin."  
  
"And next to him?"  
  
"Professor Quirrell. No wonder he's looking so nervous; Snape's been after his job for years."  
  
"Why's he wearing a turban?"  
  
"Something to do with Albania or Afghanistan I think. I know the place begins with an 'a'"  
  
  
  
8.45pm  
  
Great meal. And those twins I saw earlier, Fred and George Weasley, told me that I looked like Professor Snape (the bad tempered 'prejudiced' arsehole, they called him). Well, guess what? He happened to be walking past. Over course, I just smiled innocently and pointed my wand at him and he hurried off in the other direction.  
  
I had just about everything I could eat at dinner. At home, mum feeds me like a sparrow. I look like I have anorexia. I'm anaemic anyway, so that really doesn't help. People tell me I should sleep more. It'll work wonders for my complexion.  
  
I must remember to send mail to Rip Van Remus tomorrow. I'll tell him that it's ok, I'm a Gryff and that I already am on the 'to kill' list of at list one member of staff, so it's not a complete blowout.  
  
  
  
9.00pm  
  
Ooh! Anus begins with 'a'! So does arse and asshole and a load of other swear words...  
  
  
  
12.00am  
  
Tired.  
  
  
  
12.02am  
  
Zzzzzzzzzz... 


	3. Malfoy, My HispanoDeustch Friend and the...

Tuesday, September 2nd.  
  
6.00am  
  
Bugger it! Buggerbuggerbugger it! I have to get this English homework done or Mrs Wallis (honest, that's her name) will boil my brains in pistachio nuts. I don't even like pistachios! I'll have to ask if she can use almonds instead. Why do I always leave homework to the last minute? I have to finish the Hound of the Baskervilles and write a review in half an hour! Buggerbuggerbugger!  
  
  
  
6.03am  
  
'...Holmes turned to me.  
  
"Stapleton is our man" said he...'  
  
WELL OF COURSE IT'S STAPLETON, DAMMIT! WHAT, DID YOU WORK IT OUT WHEN YOU REALISED THAT HE SEEMED TOO OBSESSED WITH SIR HENRY OR DID YOU JUST COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT HE'S GAY???  
  
Honestly!!! They call Sherlock Holmes the greatest mind in English Legal History and it takes him half of the book to work out who the killer is? It was obvious when Stapleton was first introduced.  
  
I wrote down the following on my review:  
  
'Have worked out nothing from this book apart from that Sherlock Holmes, the 'finest mind in English Legal History', is in fact a poof, and Dr. Watson is incredibly sweet when played by Ian Hart, as happened in the BBC production of this novel.'  
  
  
  
6.04am  
  
Hang on. Why am I writing English reviews for Muggle School when I'm here in Hogwarts? Well, I suppose Mum will make me go to Muggle Summer School. How on earth did that sadistic woman ever come to be a parent? Actually, I won't go down that road.  
  
"I am so gonna ask Dumbledore if I can stay at school over the summer holidays." I said to myself. Then, I realised that he'd probably say no, and the safest choice was to do the homework anyway. But not now.  
  
  
  
6.15am  
  
What is my timetable? Ah, yes...:  
  
'Monday :- Double Herbology followed by Double History of Magic  
  
Tuesday :- Double Transfiguration followed by Double Charms  
  
Wednesday :- Double History of Magic followed by Double Transfiguration  
  
Thursday :- Double Charms followed by Double Flying  
  
Friday:- Double Defence Against the Dark Arts followed by Double Potions.'  
  
What is it with these people and Doubles? Shame. My two favorite lessons (by sound, I haven't actually been in lessons yet), Potions and DADA only have two lessons. Ah, well. Friday is a good day. History of Magic sounds boring and it has four! Sadistic bunch of 'teachers'  
  
  
  
7.00am  
  
I yawned. Must have dozed off. What have we got today? Ah, yes. Transfiguration followed by Charms. Better be good, that's all I'm saying. What time is breakfast? Uh... half seven. Lessons begin at nine and end at twelve for lunch. Then, at two, they start up again and carry on until five and dinner is at Half seven. Don't get me wrong, every single session is one and a half hours. Ohhhhh Gooood!!!  
  
  
  
7.15am  
  
Woke Baby Bushkins (Hermione Granger) and the other three girls in this dorm (Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil and a sweet little spanish/german origin girl called Jan (pronounce Yan) LuSape, or something like that.)  
  
"What the hell was that for???" Baby B (Hermione Granger) asked, after I had shaken her and the others awake. I explained, all the while trying to stop my hands inching around her neck, that either she got up to go to lessons or I threw her out of the window. She got the hint.  
  
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, Jawohl." Jan mumbled sleepily in some weird mix of Hispaño-Deustch language when I woke her up. Parvati and Lavender just glared and went off in a huff. Well, aren't they the attitude queens?  
  
Baby B grumbled something about shampoo. She is soooo uninteresting. I'll have to sit with Ron Weasley, McSruffo (Harry Potter) and Jan.  
  
  
  
7.33am  
  
Am now at breakfast, eating pancakes in chocolate sauce and chatting with Harry, Ron and Jan. I'm just gonna call Jan 'Jan' instead of 'Yan.' It's much easier, and she answers to it.  
  
"I'm the sixth Weasley here." Said Ron.  
  
"My parents died before I knew them." Harry shot back. I think they were trying to see who was worst off.  
  
"Mein parents vere evil son-of-bitches and I am glad that they are disowning me." Jan said, in her strong Hispaño-Deutsch accent.  
  
"My dad has apparently been killed by You-Know-Who and my Mum could take on a Teletubby at 'Weakest Link' and lose!" I complained, half hysterical.  
  
"Ach, no! Das ist too too nasty, nein?" Jan gasped.  
  
"Jawohl." I said wearily, putting the little German I knew into good use.  
  
"Hey, Jan." Harry Pothead asked. "What backgrounds are your parents from?"  
  
"Meinen Vater ist from Chermany und meine Mutti ist from...ach, how you say?... Spain."  
  
"Why are you in England, then?" Ron asked, perplexed. I think that was too much for his tiny pea-brain to handle.  
  
"I vas living in Spain for four years since I vas born, und then I vas living in Chermany until last year, vhen I got meine Hogvarts letter und I came here for die Sommer."  
  
"Ah." Said Ron, still looking lost. "Do you speak Spanish?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"French?"  
  
"A little. Und meine Englisch ist nicht good."  
  
"No." I argued. "Your English is brilliant!"  
  
Suddenly, that black-haired teacher, wassisname? Professor Snape, appeared behind me for no apparent reason. I saw Jan frown and turned round.  
  
"Not making trouble, are you?" he whispered dangerously. Jan blinked but I was right in there.  
  
"Trouble? Me? Why would I be making trouble?" I asked innocently.  
  
"Trouble follows you around, Katz, like a cat stalking a mouse." He said in his rich, low, creepy voice.  
  
"But it's the first day! I wouldn't make trouble on the first day!" I protested.  
  
"You didn't seem to think that was the case yesterday, did you?" He snarled malevolently. Then he gave me one final glare and walked off. Weird man.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" Harry breathed, having also got the glare of death from the man at dinner yesterday.  
  
I shrugged.  
  
  
  
9.00am  
  
Ah. Start of Transfiguration. Hope it's interesting. Who's the teacher? Oh no. It's McGonagall.  
  
I sat at the front with Jan. Because I'm usually a right horror in lessons, I'm going to try and be good in lessons.  
  
"Transfiguration is a very trying way of magic." McG explained as she walked in to the room and sat down at her desk. "If anyone is thinking of disrupting this lesson, I suggest they leave now." She pointed at the door.  
  
No one moved. I had a strange urge to start limbo dancing, but I didn't.  
  
Thank God.  
  
  
  
10.30am  
  
So far done nothing but Transfiguration theory work and chat to Jan. McG gave us a match to change into a needles. Qu'est-ce le point? You can't burn needles so what the heck is the point?  
  
"So, Jan, do you want to lose your German accent?" I asked, while reading in the textbook how to change the incredibly fun burny object into an incredibly dull useless one.  
  
"Ach, yes. Vhenever I am going somevhere, somevone alvays notices that I am Cherman and pronounce my Double-U's as 'V' and my Vees as 'F'"  
  
"Well, I think we can do something about your German accent, my funny little friend."  
  
By this time, I had found the page in the textbook and had seen that Transfiguration was incredibly simple. I poked the matchstick with my wand and it gave off a puff of greenish smoke. In the pretty matchstick's place lay a completely pointless needle. No, it literally was pointless. My needle...was blunt. Damn!  
  
  
  
11.00am  
  
Managed to do the 'puff of green smoke' thing to a number of different needles. I convinced McGonagall that I kept setting the matches on fire so she would give me new ones. Honestly, she's as perceptive as a broomstick, only not so advanced.  
  
Baby B, however, is as perceptive as three and a half broomsticks. Honestly!!! One would think she had something better to do rather than poke her head of my matches and say  
  
"Why are you stealing those matches?"  
  
To reply, I said  
  
"To burn that bush you've chopped down. Oh, sorry, it's your hair."  
  
She buggered off after that. I really think I should have been a Slytherin.  
  
  
  
12.00pm  
  
Completely uneventful rest of lesson. I hid all my matches and was ignored by McG. Baby B, however, got a smile because she had one matchstick. It's a whole lot of prejudiced arseholes in this school, I can tell you!  
  
Now have about 3,000 blunt needles and 40,000,000 burnt - out matchsticks. I love burning matches. Unfortunately, I'm allergic to fire. It always seems to get a song stuck in my head. Today it's 'Greensleeves'. I'll have to see the doctor about that.  
  
"Ach, so, vhere are ve now going?" Jan appeared. She is so sweet! Her hair is a kind of dirty blond, so she isn't really blond, and she's got searching, mournful brown eyes and a nice tan. Bet she drinks Kool-Aid. Now where did that come from?  
  
"We are going to luncheon, meine kleine Deustch freunde."  
  
"Ach! Lunch!"  
  
Honestly. Am thinking of becoming a loner.  
  
  
  
12.30pm  
  
ACH! LUNCH! As my little Hispaño-Deustch friend would say. I think that Harry Pothead and Roneeeeeeeeee (!) are blabbing on about sommat, but I'm gazing at that cute, twitchy guy in the turban. Why does he keep twitching? Maybe because he's talking to the Sadistic Shampoo Seducer (Professor Snape). The SSS looks pretty buggered off. No, that's because he's just seen me. Ah, well.  
  
"Vas ist after lunch?" Jan asked.  
  
"Double Charms. Hopefully we won't be violating the Matchstick Protection League in this lesson." I said sarcastically. Jan sniggered. Ron looked black and Pothead choked in his porridge.  
  
"Ach, no!" Jan was on her feet in a flash, running round to Harry. "Does he mind if I am doing das Heimlich Manoeuvre?"  
  
What the hell is 'Das Heimlich Manoeuvre when it's not being carried out on Pothead?  
  
Jan grabbed Pothead round the chest and squeezed. Harry stopped choking and started going blue. Jan stopped squeezing and sat back down.  
  
"Heimlich Manoeuvre" she explained, being pure Hispaño-Deustch, "Is vhere die person chokes so the other grabs them round the middle und is sqveezing."  
  
Right. Thank you, Jan. I couldn't have lived another second without knowing that. I'm going up to my room, to write that note to RVR (Rip Van Remus)  
  
  
  
1.15pm  
  
Have finally finished the note and am now looking for that dratted owl of mine. SHADOW! Get your feathery ass over here right now! Meanwhile, here's the letter.  
  
'Rip Van R.  
  
Am at Hogwarts. Have been sorted into Gryffindor. (buggerbuggerbugger). My best friend is Hispaño-Deustch and I am in Harry Potter's house. Can't stop singing Greensleeves. Getting the glare of death from the Potions teacher, Professor Snape. He's evil and sadistic and murders shampoo for a living. The Sadistic Shampoo Seducer (SSS) is mean, but I'm looking forward to Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts first. Haven't learnt much apart from the Heimlich Manoeuvre, which is utterly useless, and why to set fire to bushes.  
  
By the by. Jan and I are staying up late tomorrow night. Full moon, though you'll know all about that, won't you?  
  
Lotsa Love, Juss.'  
  
I still haven't said why I'm looking forward to DADA, have I? It has something to do with the teacher, that's all. I found Shadow, the stupid owl was doing something under my bed. Probably having babies. That's not right, it's male, dammit!  
  
  
  
1.30pm  
  
Sent Shadow. Gonna have a doze.  
  
  
  
1.59pm  
  
Jan woke me.  
  
"VE ARE GOING TO BE LATE, MEINE FREUNDE!" she yelled in my ear. That got me going. I grabbed a spellbook ('Basic Charms and Curses' by Joan De- Flammare) and sprinted with Jan down to the Charms corridor.  
  
  
  
2.01pm  
  
Arrived at the Charms corridor on the verge of Cardiac Arrest with Jan. Walked in to see what I thought was an imp. It was, in fact, a miniscule little wizard standing on a pile of books looking at us disapprovingly.  
  
"Miss Katz and Miss LuSape?" He asked. We nodded "You are late."  
  
I mumbled an apology and sat down next to a blond boy I'd seen sorted into Slytherin, Jan sitting on my other side. We started working on the most basic of all charms: movement. We were each given a feather and were left to our own devices.  
  
"So." The blond boy next to me said. "Two Gryffindors. Mudbloods, are you?" He sneered. Jan blushed and looked away. I frowned.  
  
"Why the heck do you care?" I asked heatedly, moving in front of Jan.  
  
"Mudbloods shouldn't be allowed at this school." He said offhandedly. "My father says so. I'm Draco Malfoy, and you should remember that."  
  
"Drawling Pratboy, was that?" I asked, cocking an ear towards him. "I didn't quite hear."  
  
He went a funny pink color.  
  
"Watch your step, Mudblood." He warned. I snapped. I hated him insulting Jan and Jan just blushed and looked away.  
  
"Why don't you go an pick on something with your own brain capacity?" I hissed. "Oh, I forgot. Filch owns the only cleaning fluid in the place. What a shame you can't ask for more for your hair. I think the peroxide's coming out. If you're not careful, it'll dissolve your ears."  
  
"Who asked your opinion, Mudbloo-" He began, but I kicked him in the lower regions and he ducked behind the desk.  
  
"Never." I jeered as I grabbed his hair. "Never make fun of my friend again." I let go and he bent double. I ignored him and went back to moving the feather across the desk. Unfortunately, I was so pissed off that I poked it extra hard and it grew wheels and rolled off across the floor.  
  
I had to ask for a new one. Professor Flitwick wasn't pleased.  
  
  
  
5.00pm  
  
Charms rules! Not only did I show that Slytherin who's boss, I also managed to make the feather grow wings and fly away. A bit ironic, I know, but Prof Flitwick was really pleased! Jan crept nervously up to my elbow.  
  
"I vant to thank you for sticking up for me against... ah... Draco Malfoy. He ist von helluva karacter." She said.  
  
"No biggie." I brushed of the compliment, but she continued.  
  
"I also think it vas wrong to get on die wrong side of him. I saw him again today vith zwei HUGE boys. I think they are his friends."  
  
I was slightly worried.  
  
"Ah... thanks for that, Jan."  
  
"No problem."  
  
  
  
7.30pm  
  
Dinner. Spaghetti Bolognese. Our dear little Italian cousins are very funny. Why make anything related to string at put a dead cow on top of it? I knew that living in olive groves was bad for you.  
  
For some reason, am getting more death stares from SSS (Professor Snape) and I haven't done anything wrong today! I think he's still remembering that unfortunate Wingardium Leviosa incident. How was I to know that it was the levitation spell and very powerful?  
  
As I said earlier, this is a prejudiced school and a facsimile of a scam.  
  
  
  
9.00pm  
  
Short, uninteresting dinner with nothing of note apart from that it was short and uninteresting. I caught up with Dumbledore afterwards and asked him if I could stay at school for the summer holidays as well as Christmas and Easter.  
  
For some reason, he started laughing hysterically and walked off. What is wrong with these people? Said goodnight to Pothead, RonEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and Jan and went to the Gryff girls' room.  
  
  
  
10.00pm  
  
Am back to the old homework standby for my Muggle homework. Writing a Hound of the Baskervilles review. First day, today, and we got no homework at all! Wish that that happened in Muggle schools.  
  
  
  
2.00am  
  
Stapleton is dy- *yawn* -ing! Oh... dear... what a...shame -zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 


	4. The SSS, The CTTG and My Obsession With ...

Wednesday, September 3rd  
  
2.30am  
  
Wha'? Oh, God, it's that owl again! Why can't it have an alarm clock fitted in? 'Do not wake before 6.30am. PLEASE BE PUNCTUAL!' I swaer, if it wakes me up at 2.00am again then I'll wring it's scrawny neck and ask Uncle Rem to send me a goldfish. Rip Van R's reply was attached to Shadow's leg.  
  
'Justice,  
  
Well, Gryffindor isn't so bad. I was in Gryffindor myself. You'll probably think up some sarcastic comment here. Anyway. Professor Snape, did you say? If you find out his fist name, send it by return owl. I know it's a full moon. There is no need to rub the subject in. Remus'  
  
Hmm. I think I touched a nerve there. Maybe I shouldn't have pointed out about the full moon. After all, Rip Van R has been memorising the Lunar Chart since he was about five.  
  
  
  
3.00am  
  
Sleep...  
  
  
  
7.00am  
  
ARGH! ARGH! IT'S COMING THROUGH THE CEILING! Oh, no, sorry. That was just this really strange dream about... well, you don't want to know what it was about.  
  
I woke Jan but left the other three. Hell, it would be funny if Baby B was late. She's insufferable. Never late for anything, that girl.  
  
"I haf been vorking on a letter to mein Parents. Vould you like to see it?" Jan asked me. I nodded and she handed me a piece of paper with writing on it.  
  
'Hall meinen Vater!  
  
Ich bin ins Gryffindor gegangen. Meine neue Lieblingsfreunde heißt Justice Katz. Ich habe gut Gesundheit. Ich habe eine neue Eule heißt Rauch. Ich hoffe du hast gut Gesundheit. Auf Wedersehen, Jan LuSape'  
  
I stared at her.  
  
"Vell? Is it ok?" She asked impatiently.  
  
"I'm sure it is. I could double check, but I CAN'T BLOODY READ IT!" I yelled.  
  
I think I might be hysterical.  
  
  
  
7.30am  
  
Joined with Pothead and RonEEEEEEE in the main hall. I showed them Jan's letter and they stared blankly. Jan's going to start teaching me German. Yippee. I can hardly wait. Today's timetable is not much better than yesterday's. Double History of Magic (god that sounds boring) followed by another double dose of Transfiguration.  
  
  
  
7.31am  
  
I was in the middle of eating my Rice Krispies (!) when Dumbledore stood up to make the announcement of the day.  
  
"School," he began. "Due to unfortunate circumstances, Professor McGonagall is not able to teach today. Her lessons will be covered by various other members of staff depending on their timetables."  
  
Good. I hope I gave her my anaemia, even though anaemia isn't contagious.  
  
  
  
8.00am  
  
Jan and I are singing. No, I mean serious singing. As in 'I've had too much coffee but I only had eleven cups' singing.  
  
"The sun aint gonna shine anymore," I sang. Great song. Alan Rickman sings it in Truly Madly Deeply. He has a great voice. "The moon aint gonna rise in the sky-y. The tears are always cloudin' your ey-eyes! WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT LOVE! Bay-bee"  
  
"Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon, a pigeon. Charlie had a pigeon, a pigeon he had. He flew it by day and he flew it by night, and when it came back it was covered in SHITE!" Ron sang out of tune.  
  
"Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck/ She took it round a corner to teach it how to/ Fry some eggs for breakfast, fry some eggs for tea/ The more you eat, the more you drink, the more you want to/ Peter had a boat, the boat began to rock/ Up jumped Jaws and bit off his/ Cocktails, ginger ale, forty cents a glass/ If you don't like them then shove 'em up your/ Ask no questions, tell no lies/ I saw the bogey-man doing up his/ Flies are bad, mosquitoes are worse/ And that is the end of my silly little verse." Harry Pothead chanted. I never knew he had it in him.  
  
"Meinen Vater ist ein Kartoffelnkopf, ein Kartoffelnkopf er ist." Jan sang. I got a grip.  
  
"Ok. Shut up now. We're - sorry, I'M - getting some funny looks from the staff table" I hissed.  
  
  
  
9.00am  
  
Joy, joy, double joy. History of Magic. Wham Bam Thank you Jan for pushing me down the stairs.  
  
I was sitting innocently in the History of Magic classroom, and this ghost glided through the wall!  
  
"I am Professor Binns" He told us, before diving into some incredibly useless information about a goblin called Thorg the Dead-Who-Had-No-Name- What-Shouldn't-Exist-And-Has-No-Consideration-Because-We-Have-To-Learn- About-His-Arse-At-School-Jingy-Whatto or something like that. Who cares? He's dead, anyway.  
  
  
  
10.00am  
  
Think...going to...sleep...  
  
  
  
11.00am  
  
"Miss Karp, could you answer that question for us please?" Throw-Me-In- These-Rubber-Binns asked. I jerked awake.  
  
"Miss Katz, sir. And no, I can't." I said among sniggers, being honest, logic and normal. It nearly got me a detention. I am never taking Mum's advice again! She was the one who told me to be honest and logic! I thought being normal would help. Fine! I will never listen to mum again! EVA!  
  
  
  
12.00pm  
  
Decided that, as suspected, History of Magic is a load of shite. I made my way down to the lunch hall when Jan ran into me and said something that nearly gave me a heart attack.  
  
"Professor Qvirrell is covering for our Transfiguration lesson. Professor McGonagall is no here, so Professor Qvirrell has agreed to take our lessons for us. Das ist cool, ja?"  
  
Oh Jan, Jan, ma petite, you don't know HOW COOL that is! He is so cut! He is even cuter than Alan Rickman (matter of opinion. Those of you who think AR is a poof, get lost *points at exit*)  
  
"M-move along now, g-g-girls." A nervous, jumpy voice stuttered from behind us. I turned round and nearly had another heart attack. LORD OF THE TURBANS! I WORSHIP YOU! I AM UNWORTHY!  
  
"Ach! I am being fery sorry, mein Proff." Ihre seid Professor Qvirrell, ja?" Jan asked. Prof. Quirrell frowned, trying to work out what she said.  
  
"Don't worry, Professor." I said winningly. "I have that trouble sometimes."  
  
He looked at me, smiled nervously, twitched and then walked off, massaging his temple. Well, what the hell? Oh, crap, I have another zit, don't I?  
  
"Jan. Do I have a spot on my face?" I asked, grabbing her. She shook her head.  
  
"Nein, meine Lieblingsfreunde. Your skin is fery gut, ja?"  
  
Bliss. No spots. Crap. No Quirrell.  
  
  
  
1.00pm  
  
Foule for lunch. Foule is this kind of Egyptian mash made out of something, something else and lentils. That's the thing you can always trust about the Egyptians. Everything they make always has lentils in it. Or mango. But mango and something that looks suspiciously like merde don't go very well.  
  
"Five points from Gryffindor, Katz, for falling asleep in Professor Binns' lessons." Professor Snape said from somewhere behind me. I jumped and turned round. WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM! HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THAT??? WHY THE HELL DOES HE STALK ME? I'm scared now.  
  
"Huh-? Wha-?" I began. He smirked evilly.  
  
"Wow. Don't we make a lot of sense?" He asked with a kind of twisted sneer on his face. I wondered how much effort it took him to actually smile.  
  
"Loneliness," I sang "Is the cloak you wear. Baybee, baybee. A deep shade of bluuee/ is always theerre... THE SUN AINT GONNA SHINE ANYMORE! THE MOON AINT GONNA RISE IN THE SKY-Y! THE TEARS ARE ALWAYS CLOUDIN' YOUR EY-EYES! WHEN YOU'RE WITHOUT LOVE! Baaaybeee!"  
  
Snape blinked and walked off, gingerly rubbing his ear where I had yelled down it. Harry Pothead and RonEEEEEEEE were looking at me in awe. Jan was just looking at me in pity. Why is the song stuck in my head? I haven't burned anything today!  
  
"Vell, at least it is not being Greensleefes, ja?" Jan pointed out.  
  
"Wow! You put one against Snape!" Ron said in wonder. I smiled modestly.  
  
"No, I just have that song stuck in my head. By the Walker Brothers. Now sung by Alan Rickman, the cute Sheriff of Nottingham, in Truly Madly Deeply."  
  
By the look on his face, I can tell he doesn't follow anymore. I sighed and gave up.  
  
  
  
2.00pm  
  
YESSSS!!! Ha! Double ha! Double ha and :P! Double ha with a hyphen and :D :D :D ! Transfiguration! WITH QUIRRELL!  
  
"Ach!" Jan said. "He is... how you say? Qvite cute, nein?"  
  
"Nein Sheiße!" I replied, and we both fell about giggling. It's funny. He reminds me so much of Ian Hart.  
  
"R-right." He said as he walked in twitching. He didn't notice that two girls on the front row were paying rapt attention, though maybe one was drooling more than the other. Ahem. Well, the desk got a good wash!  
  
"I am c-covering for P-professor McGonagall, who c-cannot make it b-b- because of inconvenient c-circumstances."  
  
"The sun aint gonna shine anymore/ the moon aint gonna rise in the sky!" I whispered to Jan. We both fell about laughing and had to get a drink of water to stop choking.  
  
  
  
3.00pm  
  
We have to copy up a load of Transfiguration theory while McG's not here. That means the next load of Transfig. Lessons are gonna be actually Transfiguring.  
  
'Boggarts, Animagi, Werewolves and certain other mythical animals can transubstantiate. They are the only living things that may do so, and without the help of complex spells or a werewolf bite, humans cannot transubstantiate. Transubstantiating species may form a symbiosis if situations are diffifcult or inconvenient.' The textbook read. Ok, I was never great at English. Transubstantiate and symbiosis I don't know.  
  
I stuck my hand up in the air.  
  
"Sir! Can you please explain about transubstantiating species and symbiotic bonds?" I asked, waving my hand around like a lunatic. I swear all the blood drained from his face and he started twitching more.  
  
"T-t-transubstantiating is m-moving f-f-from on f-form t-to a-a-another, m- much like a w-w-werewolf or b-b-boggart." He explained.  
  
"And a symbiosis?" I persisted. I promise he choked.  
  
"S-s-symbiosis?" He swallowed, "That's w-where one sp-species f-f-forms a b- bond with a-a-another. The one c-can't l-l-live without th-the other, and v- vice - v-v-versa." He smiled nervously. "Anymore q-questions?"  
  
"No thanks, sir, I understand now." Lies. I didn't actually understand why he had gone pale and shaky when I'd asked. Ah, well. There's a lot of things I don't understand.  
  
  
  
4.00pm  
  
Most of us have finished copying and are now making paper animals out of spare parchment. Look, it's a penguin!  
  
"Ach! Mine seal ist better than dein pengvin!" Jan whispered. I half- squashed the seal.  
  
"Not anymore." I whispered back. She slapped me playfully. At least, I hope it was playfully...  
  
  
  
5.00pm  
  
WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! The Turbanator hs left the building. Well, he's left me alone. Now whenever he looks at me he puts on a funny face. I haven't done anything wrong...yet. Well, anyway, Jan and I went up to our dorm to discuss the SSS (Sadistic Shampoo Seducer - no prizes for guessing who) and CTTG (Cute Twitchy Turban Guy 0 again, this should be pretty obvious)  
  
"So, Jan, what do you think of the SSS?"  
  
"Ach, no! I don't know him das vell; ve haf not had him to teach us yet, nein?"  
  
"Well, I haven't had him to teach yet and he is uber-creepy." I said, as though talking about a vampire.  
  
"Ja. He is das Uberlord von der Unterhosen." Jan said, and we both fell about laughing.  
  
"No, that's Satan." I said, wagging a finger at her. We fell into hysterics again. What fun.  
  
  
  
5.05pm  
  
"What about the CTTG?" I asked seriously (hell yeah)  
  
"Ach! He ist sehr cute, nein?" Jan asked, giggling.  
  
"Really!" I agreed. "He kept looking at me strangely."  
  
"Ja? Vell, that vill probably be because of your fery funny singing this morning, nein?"  
  
"Hahahahahahaha...oh, you're being serious."  
  
  
  
7.00pm  
  
Am playing strip poker with Jan, Pothead and RonEEEEEEEEEEE. Unfortunately we've had so much caffeine-concentrated drinks that we've forgotten how to play properly.  
  
"You just lost that round!" RonEEEEEEE said, knocking the cards out of my hand. "You have to take your shoe off!"  
  
"Damn you, you little Sheißehead!" I yelled at him. "Arseschlecker! Bite my shiny metal arse!" I ran out of the hall with the Weasley clan following hot on my heels. Mummy, I swear, if I get out of this alive, then I will never question your logic again.  
  
  
  
7.30pm  
  
Am at dinner being spoon-fed by the Weasleys. They've tied my hands to my chair. Oh, thank God, Jan's taking over. At least I can trust her not to try and ram the spoon into my stomach via my throat.  
  
"Are you ok?" She whispered, RonEEEEE, Gred (?) and Forge (ACK! UT'S CONTAGIOUS! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!) watching suspiciously.  
  
"Yeah. Wonder what das Uberfamily von der Unterhosen are going to do to me?"  
  
"Open vide, train's coming, ja?"  
  
Good grief. Am thinking of becoming a Catholic  
  
  
  
8.00pm  
  
At ten tonight is Astronomy. They have it every other Wednesday at ten, so it wasn't on the timetable. Meanwhile, Fed and George Weasley have tied me to a chair and are force-feeding me powdered caffeine (I'm sure that stuff's illegal)  
  
"Isn't this illegal?" I asked them in between having drugs rammed down my throat.  
  
"Oh yeah" said one  
  
"Do we care?" Said the other  
  
"Not really!" Laughed both.  
  
Please, almighty Catholic God, if you are up there then stop these homicidal maniacs from choking me with illegal stimulation powders.  
  
  
  
8.30pm  
  
WAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! For some reason, Fred and Thing seem to think it's funny that I'm running around on a serious caffeine high scaring people and basically acting like an ancient Pagan person, calling for sacrifices to Artemis.  
  
"I am the queen! I AM THE CHAMPION...OF THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHA WORSHIP ME NOW!!!!!!!" I yelled, stampeding into a group of terrified Hufflepuff third- years.  
  
"W-what on EARTH i-is g-g-going on out here?" Professor Quirrell asked, stepping out of his office. On seeing me, he froze. Then he dragged me inside his office.  
  
"The hell is wrong with you, Katz?" He hissed. Where's his stutter gone? Or maybe he was stuttering and I'm just too high to notice. Oh, well.  
  
"Weasleys. Kidnapped. Forced about 300 coffee cups worth of caffeine down my throat. If I sleep tonight it'll be a miracle. Next time, I'm sticking with decaf." I said, making vague sense.  
  
Then I realised I was in the same room as Professor Quirrell, alias Cute Twitchy Turban Guy. That is when I stopped thinking straight. Or as straight as you can think with 500 litres of caffeine inside you. No, I am not bent, it's just a figure of speech, dammit!  
  
"I th-think you sh-sh-should calm d-down a b-bit." He said. Was it me, or had he started stuttering again?  
  
"Would you like to see my impression of a lockjaw germ?" I asked stupidly. He blinked.  
  
Then something really strange happened. He kind of walked over to where I was standing and gave me a little half-hug. I was frozen. THE CTTG HAD JUST HUGGED ME!!! Oooooooooohhhh.....goooooooood....thankyou..goooooooood. I was only pretending to be a Catholic. I will always withhold the Pagan faith, even if no one else does.  
  
"Come and see me when you're feeling better." He whispered in my ear. There he goes again. Where's his stutter gone? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE HIS STUTTER'S GONE! I know. It's gone to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer, hasn't it?  
  
I think I might be disorientated.  
  
"May I eat your turban?" I asked. He blinked again. Now I definitely know I'm disorientated. He gave me another little half-hug and told me to go and lie down.  
  
"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!" I said, saluting and clicking my heels together. He sighed, muttered something about extra pay for overtime doctoring and went out of the room.  
  
  
  
10.00pm  
  
Am outside. Staring at the nearly-full moon and the pretty stars. I have a really splitting headache. That's called a caffeine-hangover. Am going to kill the Weasley twins as soon as I have consumed sufficient Paracetamol.  
  
"Look! There's Sirius, the Dog Star! And there's Orion!" I whispered in Jan's ear.  
  
"Ja, meine Lieblingsfreunde. Und there ist Draco. And Draco. The star and the boy. Teehhheeeeeeeeehhhheeeee..."  
  
Yes. I think she's been force-fed caffeine by the Weasley's as well. Never trust anything with a surname including Weasel, and red hair that looks as though it's being set on fire by pixies.  
  
  
  
12.00am  
  
Am back in dorm. Am in bed. Have said goodnight to Jan, Lavender and Parvati. Lavender and Parvati are actually quite nice, no attitude-queens at all. Haven't said goonight to Baby B, though. I don't think anyone did coz she was already asleep.  
  
  
  
1.00am  
  
Pretty Dog Star! Pretty! Pretty moon! Preeeetttyyyy...  
  
  
  
2.00am  
  
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 


	5. I HAVE A DATE! I HAVE A DATE! and yeah!

Thursday September 4th  
  
7.00am  
  
Haha! For once I got a good night's sleep without being woken up by teletubbies or mutant owls from hell!  
  
I woke Jan, who seemed a bit disorientated.  
  
"You vere hugged by CTTG! You vere hugged by CTTG!" She whispered in a kind of dazed fashion. How does she know about that? I was alone!  
  
"You vere saying so in your sleep, ja?" She explained when I asked her. I am so stupid. Why the hell was I saying that in my sleep? I am such a dumbass.  
  
"Why were you listening to what I was saying in my sleep?" I asked, feeling pretty pissed off.  
  
"It is funny, ja?" Jan said. "I mean, the other day you vere saying something about 'ja, mein Hertz. I vill see you tomorrow!' And then you said 'ow! Vat the hell vas that?!'"  
  
Am thinking of killing self or going to sleep wearing duct tape.  
  
  
  
7.30pm  
  
Breakfast! The Weasleys are a bloody load of hypocrites! Asking me if I'm feeling ok and saying they're sorry for poisoning me with excessive caffeine. If they mean any of it, then I'll eat my own turban!  
  
"Oh, by the way, Justice." Harry Pothead said offhandedly. "Professor Quirrell told me - very inebriated - that you had a detention with him tonight for running around causing a riot and general panic."  
  
Well, that lousy son-of-a- ! I have a good mind to tell him to screw his detention and go take some alcohol pops or something. I won't have time to go! What with my Muggle homework! I still have half a Hound of the Baskervilles review to write, too. And then I have to study Macbeth. And then Jekyll and Hyde. Were they planning on giving me anytime to sleep?  
  
"Great." I muttered, feeling rebellious. "However, it's Charms and then Flying to look forward to!" I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Don't tell anyone, but I have my own broom here with me."  
  
Ron's eyes widened.  
  
"What type?" He asked. "Nimbus 2K?"  
  
"Nah, not a Nimbus. It's a foreign make. It's from Australia, where my Uncle Rohan lives. He was married to my Mum's sister, Artemisa. They called her Misa, but Misa was Misa-rible and, according to my mum, killed herself halfway through Vol - sorry, You-Know-Who's reign. Then Rohan moved to Auzzie and sent me my broomstick for my 10th birthday."  
  
"Well?" Ron asked, getting frustrated. "What make is it?"  
  
"It's one of the new enhanced 'Rampage X' 'Dust' models."  
  
"Rampage...X?" Pothead asked slowly, not sure whether he heard correctly.  
  
"Rampage X is the name of the company. Dust is the name of the model."  
  
"...oh."  
  
  
  
10.00am  
  
Absolutely nothing of interest happened and am now half-way through Charms. We're polishing up on Moving Charms. Of course, I can already do it so I'm chatting to Helena, who I haven't seen since the first day.  
  
"Helena, how are you?" I asked. She sneered.  
  
"Shut up, Gryffindor."  
  
"Helena, it's me. You know. Now say it slowly. Justice...Katz."  
  
"I know who you are!" She snarled at me. "And what you did to our Head of House!"  
  
Good grief! Is that what this is all about? Jesus Christ! I don't know what's worse, being accused of trying to kill him by my previous best friend or having people say he looks like my father!  
  
My father? That's stupid! Who would want to marry that!  
  
  
  
11.00am  
  
Have written a letter to Mr Olllivander.  
  
'Dear Mr Freaky-Vampy-Type-Guy-Called-Ollivander,  
  
Can you please tell me who bought a Redwood and Wyvern Scale Wand from your shop? Au Revoir, Thy Freakiness, Justice Katz'  
  
  
  
11.30am  
  
Am now pissing Helena off. Why does she care that I nearly killed her Head of House? Jesus, if someone nearly killed McG then I wouldn't be moaning, I'd be partying!  
  
"Would you just go away?" Helena snapped, losing her self control. "Jesus!"  
  
"You called?" I answered wittily. There. Now she thinks I'm God. She's holding a crucifix towards me. What the hell good will that do?  
  
Ah yes. Jesus is scared of crucifixes because he dies on one. Or at least that's what she thinks.  
  
"Call...me...Esben?" She asked, reading the T-Shirt I showed her.  
  
"Yeah. It's my middle name. It means God." I told her.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."  
  
  
  
12.00pm  
  
End of Charms. Am at Luncheon with Jan, Ron and Pothead. What is for lunch, I hear you say. My reply to that is a whole pile of bullshite.  
  
Shite. I like that word.  
  
"School, I have an announcement to make." Dumbledore said, standing up. "Due to circumstances beyond our control, Madam Hooch, the flying teacher, has gone to Nigeria to referee some important Quidditch matches. Forthwith, any Flying Practices are cancelled. They will restart on her return, mid- October."  
  
Shite. It's a bloody wreck, this school. Teacher's stuttering here, skiving a day off there, going to Nigeria to referee Quidditch matches...  
  
I hate school.  
  
  
  
1.00pm  
  
Hang on. No flying. That means I have a free afternoon to do whatever the hell I want!  
  
"Hey, Jan, want to come exploring with me?" I asked.  
  
"Ja! Free afternoon, vhile all of the other people vill be at lessons, nein?"  
  
"We can go and find secret passages and rooms! Hell, only we will know about them! I'm sure Hogwarts has tonnes!"  
  
"Ja!"  
  
"My Uncle Remus, he was one of the Marauders. They looked for passages and that. He was Moony. There was Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. They made a map, but it was confiscated in their last year. I think a first-year Hufflepuff found it and handed it in."  
  
"Damn Hufflepuff." Muttered Jan darkly.  
  
"I know. Maybe we can find some that not even Remus has found, huh?"  
  
"Out of interest, vat is dein Onkel's surnäme?" Jan asked me, unnecessarily pronouncing an umlaut on the 'a' in 'name.'  
  
"Lupin."  
  
"Lupin?"  
  
"Lupin."  
  
"Isn't a lupin some sort of volfsbane plant?"  
  
Good grief, she's right! It's spelt lupine, but pronounced the same. Does that mean I have an Uncle Wolfsbane? Yeshu Kristos! (that's Jesus Christ in Greek)  
  
  
  
3.00pm  
  
Hahahahahahaha! Mwahahahehehee!! We've found a passage! We've found a passage. Knowing Rip Van Wolfsbane, he's already found it.  
  
"So, ve sort of tap das vitch and say 'Düsseldorf, ja?"  
  
"No, Düsseldorf is a town in Germany. We say Dissendium!"  
  
"Ah. Ok."  
  
  
  
3.30pm  
  
Went into the passage and came out in somewhat like a cellar. Where are we?  
  
"Vhere are ve?" Jan asked. Isn't that what I just thought? Pulease, try to be original!  
  
"Dunno. Let's have a look in these boxes, huh?"  
  
We had a look in the boxes. Tonnes and tonnes of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. She searches, she scores!  
  
"I love this stuff!" I yelled, cramming a load in my pocket. Jan looked on uncertainly.  
  
"Isn't stealing bad?" She asked. I shrugged.  
  
"Come on then, Miss Good-Karma, let's go."  
  
I closed the box and we headed back up the tunnel.  
  
  
  
4.00pm  
  
Have given a load of sweets to Ron and Pothead. I said my mum sent them during the free. Jan smirked. She didn't tell Ron that she had hidden three Galleons inside one of the Gum wrappers.  
  
I think she has a crush on him. Good God!  
  
Of course, the only person worth having a crush on in this school is Professor Quirrell. And he hugged me. Ooooooooooooooooohhhhh myyyyyyyyy gooooooood.....  
  
  
  
5.00pm  
  
End of free period. Have 2 and a half hours to get ready for dinner. Joy. How long do these people think I need to get ready for dinner? Two and a half hours... they have some serious problems at this place.  
  
"Howabout Karaoke?" I suggested. I was ready for dinner, and so were Jan, Pothead and Ron. I've sort of forgiven Ron for yesterday. It did get me a hug from CTTG.  
  
"Vas ist this Karaoke?" Jan asked.  
  
"It is vere you sing, my little Hispaño-Deustch friend. Anyone know the Ketchup Song? I could get out my Cello..."  
  
"You play a Cello?" Pothead asked with interest.  
  
"And a Violin, but I definitely prefer Cello for rock songs. Violin's better in the minor." I told him, putting my musical knowledge into practice. Unfortunately, I don't think he understood me.  
  
I uncased my lovely black (surprise surprise. My violin's black too. No, seriously!) Cello. And I tuned it. And played it to the Ketchup Song by Las Ketchup.  
  
"I said A-Hey, Ha, A-Hey, A-Something Something ladidadi nanananananana winning the beat!" I sang, badly out of tune. Then I put my Cello away and started mad dancing.  
  
Happy days.  
  
  
  
7.30pm  
  
Finally! I was getting Dinner Withdrawal Syndrome!  
  
"You have cabbage on your robes, did you know?" Baby B said to Pothead. I don't think Pothead took any notice, though. Mind you, I didn't wither, and put more cabbage there on purpose.  
  
"I don't know why, why, but I love to see you cry!" I sang. Jan slapped me.  
  
"Vould you shut up! CTTG's coming ofer this vay!" She hissed. I sobered up immediately.  
  
"Ah, K-katz." CTTG stuttered. "M-my office. N-n-nine o'clock prompt."  
  
Damn! Detention should be illegalised!  
  
I hate him! I hate him!  
  
Oh, I love him! I love him!  
  
  
  
8.00pm  
  
Jan and Harry are giving me strange looks. Probably because I'm still staring after Professor Quirrell whispering 'I hate you; I hate you; I ha...love you; I love you'  
  
I hate myself. I really do. Why do I keep embarrassing myself like this?  
  
  
  
8.30pm  
  
This is technically the end of the school day, as dinner has finished, so we're allowed to wear own clothes. I've rushed upstairs to get my Skater Baggies, Wooly Hat and Vans (Skate Shoes) on.  
  
I have this flame and black skater hat, black baggy jeans and a black baggy T-Shirt. And Black Skate Shoes. I look like the Grim Reaper.  
  
"You look like the Grim Reaper." Ron told me when I showed him. "Actually, the name suits you! That's your new nickname! Grim Reaper!"  
  
Great. I am now officially a member of the Undead. Keep me away from stakes. I may go hysterical.  
  
  
  
9.00pm  
  
I am now outside that Sexy Bastard Quirrell's office. Why the heck did he have to give me detention? Wonder what I'll do? I heard from a second year Ravenclaw that a friend of a friend of a Hufflepuff called Graham Grimsby got taken into detention by Snape and came back in a state of nervous collapse. They found out he had had to disembowel Giant Snails.  
  
Gross.  
  
"C-come in." I heard from inside the office. I opened the door. Quirrell was seated at his desk.  
  
"Hey, Professor!" I smiled winningly. He stared at my skater stuff.  
  
"Can you actually move in that?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. I frowned.  
  
"What happened to you stutter and isn't this supposed to be a detention?" I asked.~  
  
"Ah, yes. Your b-behaviour yesterday was abominable."  
  
"That wasn't my fault, Professor! The Weasley Twins, they kidnapped me and -"  
  
But I got no further because he placed a finger on my lips and shook his head. I was frozen. Wasn't paedophilia illegal? Not that I care, because it's Quirrell, but you would think a teacher to know better, huh?  
  
"Yes, I know that. But, you see, there was something else that I noticed." He whispered in my ear. "It doesn't take three monkeys and a Hufflepuff to notice that you have a crush."  
  
"Wha-?"  
  
"You kind of go all squidgy when you see me. Try not to make it so obvious! I'll do my best to cover up, so you do your bit."  
  
What is he talking about?  
  
"Huh?" I said intellectually.  
  
"For a Slytherin Cunning you can be very slow!" He chided. "Put the pieces togetehr logically. Good god!"  
  
"You called? Actually, call me Grim Reaper because everyone else does now."  
  
It was his turn to be clueless.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"You fancy me, don't you?" I yelled, putting two and two together to make four instead of five. "That's why you've called this detention!"  
  
"Shhh!" He hissed. "Not so loud! I can't guarantee that these offices are sound proof."  
  
I started limbo dancing as he checked his papers. He looked up to see me halfway under his desk. So he looked under his desk. Clever man, this one. Can't get anything past him!  
  
"What are you doing" He asked suspiciously.  
  
"Limbo dancing."  
  
"God, you're weird."  
  
Then we looked at each other and burst out laughing.  
  
  
  
10.00pm  
  
Hahahaha! I'm still laughing. Great sense of humor, Quirrell. Brilliant. And I still can't believe I have a date with him.  
  
I've changed my mind; I don't wanna kill meself.  
  
Detention was only an hour. Quirrell said that Snape and the other teachers could make it go on all night if they wanted. He said Filch was the worst.  
  
Good grief! How on earth did Filch (that sadistic man) ever become a teacher here? He'd be well fitted in a Muggle school. Everyone's mean in Muggle schools.  
  
"Hey, Grim!" Called Harry as I walked into the Gryffindor Common Room. "How was detention?"  
  
"Crap. I had to help Quirrell file his paperwork." I lied. "Stupid twitchy bastard."  
  
I crossed my fingers behind my back.  
  
  
  
10.05pm  
  
"Meine freunde!" Jan called as I entered the dorm. "How vas detention vith CTTG?"  
  
"Brill." I answered wearily. I knew I could trust Jan. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"  
  
"Vell? Vhat happened?"  
  
"I got a date." I sighed before burying my head in the pillow. Then I remembered my promise not to suffocate myself, so I looked up at Jan. She looked envious.  
  
"You got a date? Vith who?"  
  
"Quirrell. And you're English is getting better."  
  
"You are a great freunde. Can I get friendly vith your date?"  
  
"Conversation only." I warned. Then we both burst into hysterical creepy giggles. "No flirting."  
  
"O-o-ok, meine fr-fr-fr-heeheehee-freunde."  
  
I love my life, but I am still considering substituting Jan for a Lemur.  
  
  
  
11.00pm  
  
Jan and I stayed up for ages talking, but then, mid-creepy giggle, I heard a thud and she didn't speak anymore.  
  
I guessed she'd either fainted, hyperventilated or gone to sleep. When I checked, she had gone to sleep. TEEEEEEEEEEHHHHEEEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
12.00am  
  
I got a date with Quirrell! I got a Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 


	6. Yay! It's Friday! Finally! I mean, I was...

Friday September 5th  
  
4.30am  
  
Yawn. Why am I here? I just had a real freaky dream where this cute French chef from my last skiing holiday asked me out and we went to the 'End of the World' party holding hands. I think he was about 20, but I'm not sure.  
  
  
  
5.00am  
  
I can't help but think something important is happening today. And something important happened yesterday.  
  
Check watch. It's the fifth of September. Why can't my watch show days as well as dates?  
  
Check calendar. It's a Friday.  
  
Check timetable. Double DADA followed by Double Potions.  
  
...DADA and Potions? YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS FRIDAY! THE DAY I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! I LOOOOOOOVE YOU, ZEUS! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
  
  
5.15am  
  
Ah, Shadow's back with Wraith and Ollivander's reply. I don't know where Wraith went. I think he was probably in the dungeons eating the Potions ingredients. If he was then I'm in deep shite.  
  
'Miss J Katz,  
  
I do not use either Redwood or Black Wyvern Scale in my wands. Or any Wyvern Scale. Redwood is strong and flexible but not easily available in Britain. Wyverns are rare and unpredictable. To get their scales is basically committing suicide, unless you happen to be bonded to one. And I must point out that Wyvern Trainers are few and far between. Good luck in your search though, Mr Ollivander, wand maker.'  
  
Slimy creepy low-down fat bastard! I hate him! He's EEEEEEEEEEEVIL!!  
  
  
  
6.00am  
  
What's this? I know it's an owl, but it's grey-brown and shaggy. It looks more like a dog than an owl! And it's holding Gum Paper. Why?  
  
'Hey, Niece!  
  
Long time no see, huh? I missed your birthday this year, so I'll send it when I get your reply with Dingo. That's the owl, if you hadn't guessed. I'm getting your mum to let you visit over the summer, and maybe bring a couple of friends. Heard from Remus that you were sorted into Gryffindor? No offence to you, your friends or Remus and Justine, but I always preferred Ravenclaw. 'Misa was in Gryffindor, too. I was in Ravenclaw. Luv ya loads, Rohan Jacobs Ps:- I adopted a Taipan and a Grey Shark the other day. The things these Muggles get up to, huh? The Grey Shark lives off the reef area near me, and the Taipan is even more dangerous than your King Cobra.'  
  
Wow! It's from Uncle Rohan! I'm surprised he actually knows who Remus is. I don't think they've ever met.  
  
  
  
6.05.  
  
Jeez, that owl looks as though it could gouge my eyes out if I poked it hard enough. No wonder Ro called it Dingo.  
  
'Yo, Ro!  
  
I'm fine! Nice name for a lovely owl *coughs* heh. I have loads of great friends. There's Harry Pothead, Jan, Ron, Lavender, Parvati, Baby B (who isn't really a friend, I'm just listing the peeps in Gryffindor), Seamus, Dean and some toad called Neville who's lost his owner Trevor, or something like that. What have you got me for my birthday? By the way, if you didn't already know, my name is Lunar-Justice Esben Katz. Alias the Grim Reaper, so just call me Grim or Justice. Nice to hear from you at last. Write back and send prezzies! Juss'  
  
I sent the funny looking dog-owl off and lay back in bed.  
  
  
  
6.30am  
  
Why can't I get to sleep? Probably because I'm looking forward to seeing my new boyfriend teach so much. I know he fakes his stutter, but now the question is 'why?'  
  
"You've been hit by; you've been struck by a Smooth Criminal! YOW!" I sang. I considered doing the Time Warp dance, but then realised it was six in the morning and people didn't need to see me do the Rocky Horror Show in fishnet tights.  
  
I can be very practical sometimes.  
  
  
  
7.00am  
  
"Jan! Jan! Wake up! I got a letter from Ollivander and my Uncle Rohan!" I yelled, shaking Jan. Unfortunately, that woke up Lavender too.  
  
"Who's your uncle Rohan?" She asked sleepily.  
  
"Rohan lives in Oz Oz Oz, the reason is be-coz coz coz." I chanted. Lavender blinked and went to the washroom.  
  
"Jan. WAKE UP!" I yelled in her ear. She woke up. Smart move, that one.  
  
"Vas! Vas! Vhere ist the bomb?" She muttered thickly.  
  
"There is no bomb! There is only Yours Truly!" I said with a flourish.  
  
"Go away, Grim." She mumbled and we both burst out laughing.  
  
"Vas ist today?" She asked when she had control over herself enough to breath.  
  
"Defence Against the Dark Arts with Quirrell and Potions with Snape."  
  
"Ach! Your boyfriend and your lookalike, nein?" She said smiling. I frowned. What is it with people and saying Snape looks like me? I do know that now, I've only been told 2350 times!  
  
"Who says he's my lookalike?" I look nothing like him!" I hissed. Jan sniggered.  
  
"Ja. You look exactly like him. If he veren't a teacher and you a student, I'd haf trouble telling you apart, ja?"  
  
I am going to strangle her slowly and painfully.  
  
  
  
7.30am  
  
"Hey, Grim!" Ron called as I walked into the Main Hall. "I heard about your D.T! Was it really that bad? You had to help Quirrell file his paperwork? The bastard!"  
  
I had an urge to say 'No! You're wrong! Quirrell is my boyfriend and we didn't file paperwork! We joked around. He has a great sense of humor!'  
  
But I didn't, thank god!  
  
"I didn't expect DADA teachers to have paperwork." Harry said offhandedly. "I only reckoned with them to have things like Vampire Blood and Werewolf Fangs."  
  
"Oh, no. He has loads of paperwork to do. And I had to help him file it, the lazy boring sod! And it wasn't even my fault I was on the caffeine high, was it, Ron?"  
  
Ron blushed.  
  
"Uh...yeah, sorry about that."  
  
"What have we got today?" Harry asked. I remember my timetable, so should everyone else dammit!  
  
"Defence Against the Dark Arts followed by Potions." I said.  
  
"Hell, it'll be funny listening to Quirrell try and teach with that stutter of his." Ron snorted.  
  
"Don't say that!" Jan cried suddenly. "He does not vant or need you to make fun of his stutter! Vould you like it if you had von?"  
  
"Why are you sticking up for him, LuSape?" Ron sneered nastily. "Fancy him, do you?"  
  
"Nein! I vas seeing it through his eyes as vell as through mein own. It is not fery nice, ja? Leafe him alone!"  
  
  
  
8.00am  
  
Been at breakfast, gone from breakfast, waiting for nine o'clock to come so I can see my boyfriend again.  
  
"Ach! Hallo, Professor!" Jan said swiftly. We were walking along the corridor up to Gryffindor Tower and someone had nearly walked into her.  
  
"G-good morning, g-g-girls." Said the person who had nearly walked into her. OMIGOD! I KNOW WHO THAT IS!  
  
"Hi, professor!" I smiled jauntily.  
  
"Looking f-f-forward to the l-lesson?" He asked. I grinned.  
  
"You betcha!"  
  
He rolled his eyes and walked off. He really is doing a good job of keeping our relationship secret. If I weren't going out with him then I would never guess I was going out with him.  
  
Don't worry about that last sentence. It wasn't supposed to make sense.  
  
  
  
9.00am  
  
Surprise, surprise. I am the first person in the DADA classroom. Apart from Jan, or course. No one else is here yet. Oop, I tell a lie, here they come. Anticipating the lesson as much as I am.  
  
"Are you looking forward to this, Jan?" I whispered. She smiled and nodded.  
  
"Ja. And you say mein Englisch is getting better?" She asked concernedly. I nodded. "Ach! Gut!"  
  
"Good m-morning, class." Stuttered Professor Q, striding sexily into the class.  
  
"Morning, sir!" Yelled Seamus Finnigan, an Irish boy in Gryffindor.  
  
"We are in th-this class t-t-to learn how t-to fight the D-dark Forces." Q told us, sitting down at his desk. "F-for example, curses, d-dark creatures and ourselves."  
  
"How do you mean?" Dean Tomas asked, perplexed.  
  
"Well, you s-see, each of us h-h-has a c-conscience. Sometimes w-we get c- cocky and ignore our c-c-conscience. Then w-we c-c-can get tempted by th- the powers of e-evil. It's m-my job t-to teach you t-t-to resist those f- forces."  
  
"Oh." Said Dean. Seamus nudged him and snickered. I think they're dating, but I'm not sure.  
  
"If you c-could t-t-turn to p-page six in your t-text books, please..." Q said.  
  
  
  
10.00pm  
  
DADA is great! There are all these lists on how to counter mild curses on page six. There's Anti-Jelly-Legs, and No-Feet, and a whole list of other curses and counter-curses.  
  
Mind you, I think Q's sense of humor does stretch to a point. Seamus asked him how he got his turban, and he said 'from an African Prince because I got rid of a zombie for him.'  
  
Then Seamus asked Quirrell how he got rid of the zombie, and Q went as red as a tomato and started talking about the weather and 'Ooo, isn't it a nice day outside?' and the usual crap.  
  
"We revised over the three main curses and counter-curses while Quirrell got on with some more paperwork at his desk. Poor guy. How much paperwork does he get? He looked really tired.  
  
  
  
11.00am  
  
I stuck my hand in the air.  
  
"Sir!" I called. He looked up and smiled nervously.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I've finished. What do you want me to do now?" I asked. He frowned and turned to page six in his textbook.  
  
"Er... p-practise the Basic Sp-spontaneous Combustion C-c-curse on this f- feather." He said, conjuring up a feather with his wand and giving it to me. All the others sped up with their work.  
  
Making things become spontaneously combust is cool.  
  
"Ignis!" I whispered, poking the feather with my wand. Nothing happened. Q smiled and walked over.  
  
"L-like this." He said, holding my wand out and moving my wand for me. He kind of rotated my wrist and added a little flick at the end.  
  
"Ignis!" He commanded. The feather burst into flames. He smiled again and whispered something in my ear, too subtle for the rest of the class to motice.  
  
"Come and see me tonight if you like. I'll be in my office."  
  
He walked away. Jan gave me the thumbs up sign and Q conjured me up another feather.  
  
I love my life.  
  
  
  
11.30am  
  
Aw! Only another half hour of DADA to go. Q's pleased at my progress on making things become Spontaneously Combust. The other students in the class finished their notes a while back, so Quirrell's been run off his feet rushing round helping people. I am reconsidering my option of being a teacher, though it would be fun to put people in detention for no reason.  
  
"Sir!" I said, waving my hand around. "I've caused three feathers to become spontaneously combust. What should I do now?"  
  
"Er... p-practise on harder th-things, l-l-like that sp-spare desk over there." He stammered.  
  
"Okie dokie!" I whispered, anticipating setting the desk on fire. Jan looked at me as though I was insane.  
  
"What!" I protested. "That's what my old Languages teacher, Mr Holland, always says! It's true! Stop looking at me like that!"  
  
  
  
12.00pm  
  
DADA is soooooooo going on my favorite lessons list. Actually, I don't have a list like that. Ah, well. I'll just have to pretend I do.  
  
"Should ve be going down to lunch, ja?" Jan asked me. I smiled and nodded.  
  
"Yes, of course, ma petite." I grinned inanely. "I have a sort of 'date' with Quirrell later."  
  
"Ja. So I haf heard. You are fery lucky, nein?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Ja! You are, meine Lieblingsfreunde! I vish I had a lover like Qvirrell."  
  
"You can speak Spanish, right?" I asked, deliberately changing the subject.  
  
"Çi, señorita." Jan said. Her German accent had changed into a Spanish one.  
  
"Ok... say 'listen to me! I'm speaking Spanish!'"  
  
"¡Dios mio! ¡Estoy hablando Español!" She said.  
  
"Er... say 'What?"  
  
"¿Que?"  
  
"And then give the explanation." I said, feeling pleased with myself. Jan looked clueless.  
  
"¿Que?" She repeated. I sighed. Lemurs are so much more intelligent.  
  
"Say: 'I don't speak English.'  
  
"Ah. Çi. Yo no creo hablo Inglès."  
  
"Cool. You do speak English though, don't you?" I asked just to make sure.  
  
"Of course." She answered, sounding offended.  
  
"Ah... ok."  
  
  
  
1.00pm  
  
Banana Soup and Mushrooms for lunch. What do normal people eat? I'm sure it has nothing to do with inedible poisonous Fungi and stewed bananas.  
  
By the way, McG is back. She was back yesterday as well, she's just so unimportant that I couldn't be bothered to mention her.  
  
"Ugh." Groaned Ron, letting his banana soup splurge back into the bowl off his spoon. "No way am I eating that. I'd rather snog a swan."  
  
"That could be arranged." I smiled evilly. Ron blanched while Harry and Jan laughed.  
  
"No! No! Please, I didn't mean it! Don't just sit there laughing, you two! Help me!" He pleaded. Then he noticed I was laughing too.  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
2.00pm  
  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Etc. POTIOOOOOOOOOOONS! With a capital P!  
  
"You looking forward to this, Jan?" I asked, lugging my cauldron and potions ingredients down to the dungeons. She smiled, dragging her own stuff along behind her.  
  
"Ja, meine freunde."  
  
  
  
2.01pm  
  
Sheiße. We were a minute - a WHOLE MINUTE - late, so Snape decided to deduct a whole ten points from Gryffindor. Slimy, rotten, no good bastard.  
  
"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art that is potion making." He whispered icily. "I can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory and even stopper death. If you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."  
  
Wonderful teacher, this guy. Insults the students before he knows how good they are at Potions. Amazing. Arsehole.  
  
  
  
2.10pm  
  
We are now officially making Boil Cures. La-Di-Da and Dee-Dee-Dee. Ho hum, pigs bum. Have resigned myself to stirring my cauldron using telekinesis while making owl noises with my hands.  
  
Ok, so I lied. I'm not really telekinetic, but HEY! a girl can dream, can't she? I can, however, make owl noises with my hands. I'm not going to now because Snape will probably find an excuse to give me a detention for breathing.  
  
"Jan? Are you ok?" I asked. Jan was nearly as pale as the dorky-looking boy who shared our boat on the first day.  
  
"Um...ja, I think so. I hope so." She said, stirring her potion feverishly.  
  
  
  
2.30pm  
  
A fizzing sound filled the dungeon and the dorky-boy, Neville Longbottom, (is it my fault I thought he was a toad? Jeez!) had melted Seamus Finnigan's cauldron. Snape wasn't happy. He said Neville off to the hospital wing, while telling Potty that he was a stupid boy.  
  
Gryffindor lost a point.  
  
Stupid, slimy, prejudiced Slytherin Arsehole. Snape that is, not Longbottom. Longbottom's to thick to be slimy.  
  
  
  
2.39pm  
  
Oh...god... The fumes are getting to my head... must be because of my Insomnia... lack of sleep... get out of my way dammit!... argh!  
  
"Katz? What are you doing? Get back to your potion!" I heard Slimy Greasy Arsehead call out across the dungeon.  
  
"Nuh... can't see... dammit, where's my turban twister?!" I replied groggily. I'm delirious.  
  
"Neeheehee... Iiiiiiii caaaaaaaaan seeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuu!!" I whispered. Snape frowned and walked over.  
  
I lost consciousness.  
  
  
  
6.00pm  
  
Ugh... where am I? Too much white... and there's a nurse person here. What's she doing? Ooh! Lots of other people. Crowding round a bed with me in.  
  
Oh. I'm in the Hospital Wing.  
  
"Oh, good. She's come round." I heard Nurseon Person say. Then the faces of Snape, Harry, Ron, Jan, Dumbledore and someone else came into view.  
  
"Ach! Grim! Are you alright?" Jan asked. My head throbbed.  
  
"What...happened?" I whispered.  
  
"You fainted in Potions." Ron asked. "Just after Neville's cauldron melted."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
I then noticed the other person in the room. It was Quirrell. He was talking serious to Snape and Dumbleydoor.  
  
"M-my fault. I was m-m-making her do the Sp-spontaneous Combustion sp-sp- spell. Must have d-drained her c-completely." He was saying in an undertone. Dumbledore nodded.  
  
"If you are feeling better, Miss Katz, then we will depart. Madame Pomfrey says you will be able to come to dinner. Miss LuSape and Professor Quirrell will stay with you.  
  
Everyone, left except Q and Jan.  
  
"Does she?" Q asked, nodding towards Jan. I knew he meant 'does she know about our little...'  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I took the blame to stomp out any suspicions." He said, sitting on the chair by my bed.  
  
"But it was a complete lie! It was because of my Anaemia and Insomnia! You know that!"  
  
"I know that but they don't." Q answered. "I don't want them questioning why you have Insomnia."  
  
"So... are you two going out?" Jan asked, moving closer. Q raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I thought you said she knew."  
  
"She does."  
  
"Then why did she ask?"  
  
"Because she's German.  
  
Q stared at me.  
  
"What's your first name?" He asked, completely changing the subject. "I should know your name if I'm going out with you."  
  
"Justice. Yours?"  
  
Quirrell went red. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. Then he looked at the floor and then back at me.  
  
"Slatero." He muttered remorsefully. "I hate my name."  
  
"I can sympathise with you; I hate mine."  
  
"Yours isn't as bad as mine."  
  
"No. It's isn't."  
  
I swear I could have fried an egg on his face.  
  
"Um... Miss LuSape..." He began.  
  
"Jan." Jan said.  
  
"Sorry. Jan and I have to go get ready for dinner. Are you coming?"  
  
"Not hungry."  
  
"All right. I'll come visit in the morning."  
  
He gave me a quick little hug and left, Jan qt his heels. As soon as he left the Hospital Wing, he started twitching again. He's a pretty good actor.  
  
  
  
7.00pm  
  
Bliss. I'm going to sleep now to catch up on lost blood sugars.  
  
Damn, those sugars are mean!  
  
  
  
7.10pm  
  
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 


End file.
